It has taken me 2 years to be able to share this. Reading it has been
very hard and the tears and doubts wouldn't stop. ( writting this will take me some time. Again excuse spelling grammar errors.
I will get them.)
I hope this helps others suffering the heart ache of O.S. in the jaw.
As I have previously said it started with a cut on the gum.
I started the diary in June.
Massey vet hospital 3 hours drive away.
June the 24th 04.
Kassa has gone to Massey to find out why her gum is bleeding.
I hate it without her.
The vets rang today to say the news doesn't look good and they will call
tomorrow. The good news is her Lymph nodes are good. I have no idea what all that is. They say the xrays show a tooth that
hadn't formed properly. Wish they spoke english.
It is so lonely without her and not being able to cuddle her is horrible.
June 26
Vets called again late tonight. Tests are still not conclusive and will
call tomorrow. Another day of pacing the house.
June 27th 04
Today has been the worst day. Neil (head vet) rang tonight at 5 oclock. Kassa
has cancer. Oh no why her. I stood there crying. I couldn't understand what he was saying. It was unoperable. It is an aggressive cancer
and will go to her lungs. She could have perhaps a month.
But... surely you can do something. I had been looking on the net and
all sorts of things were done. To this day I can remeber where I was standing and what I was doing.
I wanted to get her there and then.They closed at 8pm. The drive up there
seemed to take so long. We were breaking the speed limit most of the time. I cried the whole way.
We got there at 1 minute past 8. I was running to the door. I could
see a black Lab wondering around with the staff. I said "Oh look they have a Lab pet dog".It was my Kassy. Everyone she
met loved her. Even here.
When I got to her she was so sad. She had cystitus and peeing blood.
She embarrased herself and peed on the floor. I sat in the back seat with her head on my knee. We were told she would want
to pee lots. We decided to stay at the beach(half way home) for the night as Kassa couldn't settle in the car.
June 28th
I am devestated. I didn't sleep much.
Kassa wanted to go to the toilet all night.
Neil rang this morning to see how his darling Kass was. He said she would
pee blood for a couple of days. He would call again. He said we could go and see him the next day and discuss things, but
really nothing they could do. I had read of operations and other things, but he said not for her.
I thought I am sure they operate. I will talk to Mike(usual vet) and
look on the net.She is on Metacam and meds for infection.
June 29
Back home today. I have been thinking the best thing to do would be to
let her go.
I don't want her in pain.
She is much better in herself, but the infection is knocking her
around.
Neil rang again to see how she was. I think he is feeling sorry for me
and has decided to talk to surgeon.They say she will lose half of her face if it was possible to do surgery. My
beautiful Kassy. It is so hard. I can't think straight.
She is much better this afternoon and even though still trying to go
to the toilet isn't peeing as much.
Neil rang back tonight. They can operate and will let me know
in a few weeks. Why have they changed their minds? Will she look awful? I couldn't find anything on it and they don't
tell me anything. Is it because she is such a healthy beautfiul dog or do they want to practise. or What!!!!!.
I really can't think straight. How could this happen. Why?.
June 13
Mike rang today. He said she has "had it" Oh that man has a way
with words. I asked about surgery. he said no, but it was up to me. We talked and I asked about several meds I had seen
on the web etc.
I asked if it was best to let her go now. He said no she has time
and not in pain at the moment. He said the cancer will go to her lungs or the bleeding will become unctrollable soon. He said
we would know when it was time.
July and August.
I am still devestated and looking everywhere for information. I can't
find any.
Kassa is doing really well. Apart from the bleeding gum you wouldn't
know anything was wrong with her.
You can see a little lump. Is it the tumour? I tried to say no. So many
doubts and questions.( I am not sure I should put all my doubts. I had lots and I think if I delete them it will
give you a false impression. This was one thing I didn't want. I wanted to know honestly how someone else felt. )I didn't
want people or vets saying she has had it or a month.
September 8th
I saw Mike today. He has been calling to see how she is. Massey have
too.
Her gum is bleeding a lot the last few days. I think antibiotics
will help.
My Sister in law said after UTI they should be on antibiotics for a month
after. She had been right about something wrong with Kassas' tooth so I am doing what ever she says.
I read Proxicam is the best drug. Mike is looking at this for me.
September 9th
Mike called to say Rimadyl has less side effects and more chance of her
beating this on Rimadyl. I have read it can be dangerous.
Mike gave me a three months supply. Wow!! I am dancing for joy and asking
him will she be here in three months.Three months. I am so happy. Maybe even a year. Dare I hope for this.
I can still remeber the joy and the hope.
I will do anything to keep her alive. Maybe Mike is being positive
more for me than her.
Neil from Massey rang about his darling Kassa. Everyone is wonderful,
but not giving me any answers. This beastly thing is hurting so many people.
September 9th
This afternoon I was going to take her out and noticed blood on the floor.
Oh No.!!!!
I put pressure on the gum with a sterile pad. The bleeding stopped so
I took her with me to have lunch. Kassy didn't settle. She is usually good.
Mike wasn't there. Anglea was on and she said Rimadyl would make her
gum bleed. she said take her off it and why,...why didn't I have surgery on it. She told me all the things they could have
done.
Why didn't someone tell me the things she was telling me now? Why
didn't Mike tell me or Neil...is this why they were being nice.
Did I make a mistake. Can I do surgery now.
What is the best thing to do. I wish I knew. I wish I had more information.
I can't find any story or person dealing with this. It is so hard making all the decisions and wondering what might happen
and when.
10th September.
Mike called today. I didn't want to get Angela into trouble so asked
if surgery was possible. No. He said Kassa would be fine once the Rimadyl and antibiotics started working. While she is on
antibiotics the bleeding seems less.
I think I have to relax with it. I will make Kassa up tight. I think
if she is positive and happy it will help.
I have Kassa on Flax seed oil and glucosamine. No sugars or processed
foods.
I read brewers yeast was an anti cancer. She has always had this and
didn't stop her getting cancer. I am starting to get confused with what I should give her and shouldn't
She is on 1000mg flaxseed oil
1000mg glucosamine and 50mg Rimdayl.
September 12-24
The tumour has grown a little.
It is hard not knowing how long I have with her. I am still thinking
of surgery. I called and asked Neil. I wont mention it to Mike again. It will take a large part of her
jaw and chemo for 5 months. This will give her a year. Cost over $6,000.00.
The questions I have and not knowing what to do is difficult.
Another vet told me to say goodbye as she would be gone by the end of
the week.
Finished the antibiotics.
she is getting up at 5am hungry. She is always hungry and getting demanding.
usual self though.
25 September
Kassa is unsettled if people come to stay. I wonder if it is everyone
making a fuss of her then leaving. I want to keep her stress free as this is suppose to help.
Her gum bleeds if she gets excited.
Giving her 1 can of tuna in oil every second meal.
Still demanding food at 5am.
26 September.
Gum is bleeding again.
Breath smells a lot now. She is restless. Eating heaps and driving me
nuts today. (Oh how could I have written that.)The stress and pressure are overwhelming some days.She is more settled when
people aren't here.
She loves going to the park still and runs around.
I am feeding her 3 times a day. She seems more settled when I do this.
I have been going silly taking photos of her. I think I have enough for
10 years worth of her.
I am still not sure about Ernie. (His owners were going back to Singapore
in December and asked if I would take him.)
My dates are a little mixed up here. Will figure it out. Very hard reading
this and some things i forgot about.
Date....
Kassa is snoring a lot and when she is in a lighter sleep her nose whistles.
If she has her head on some angles it sounds like she is having trouble breathing. Of course I am thinking it has gone to
her lungs.
What does it sound like when it goes to their lungs. Still can't
find any info relating to jaw cancer and things I can expect to happen. What is normal for this cancer? I am lost.
Swelling from tumour is on the top of her snout.
The food I am giving her.
Mackerel. 1 can a day.
2 cups of Euko. ( still not sure what this is
1 tbls brewers yeast.
yogurt.
Glucosmamine. Should be 2,000 and I have been giving 1,000mg. Darn it.
Flaxseed oil
I have heard prednisone is better. Will check.
Her urine is very yellow. Of course everytime something different happens
i think the worst.
date...........
Kassa has been putting on weight. 30 kilos now.
Called the vet about yellow urine. Could be dehyration or liver failure.
Angela the vet said she is probably licking the water and not drinking. Why haven't I noticed that before.
Taking her to the river where she always drinks the water ( water her
in N.Z. is drinkable) and giving warm water.
I am making her watery soups with liver and chicken. Also pet milk watered
down.
Drank 3 litres today. Peed heaps.
She is still eating well.
Pawing at her gum a bit lately.
October
Kassa drank 5 litres of pet milk and lliver water.
She is looking better and when I took her to get antibiotics Angela said
she looks so healthy.
She is having antibitocs to help the bleeding.
Took her for a big play with other dogs. She was so happy and her gum
didn't bleed.
October.
Drank 2 litres
Not drining as much and will not drink water.
If I put liver in her water she will.
Peeing a lot and urine clear.
date
Still not drinking unles I put liver into her water. Her gum seems to
bleed more when she gets excited or too happy.
Not sure what I can do. urine clear.
She isn't herself, but runs around at the park. Gum didn't bleed at the
park and more settled tonight.
Put Euko in her bowl of water. (must see what this is)
She is having more yogurt for UTI,
Tuna and 2 cups of Euko.
Next day
Gum not bleeding as heavily today.
Tumour looks like it is getting bigger and growing over he nose.
Tracy noticed this and she didn't want to play with Cory today. She adores
Cory.
4th October
By 1.30 she drank 1 1/2 litres and after our walk drank 1 litre of warm
milk.
Maybe the anitbiotics working and gum not sore.
Not bleeding so much today and you can't see the lump today.
Fur is getting shinnier and she is eating like a pig
Used Metacam this week.
8th October.
Lump is defintely smaller. She has an ulcer on the roof of her mouth.
Back on Rimadly and antibiotics.
Looking healthy and eating well.Drinking warm water.
Playing games with Cory and Tracy.
I am going to try Shark Cartilege 750grms per day.
11th October
The lump is really smaller. Is this the Rimadyl or glucosamine. What
is making it smaller.
She is pawing at her nose a little today.
If someone says this or that is good for cancer I give it to her.
Glucosamin x 2 1,500mg
Shark cart. 750mg
Echinacea
Calcium and fish oil
Brewers yeast
Yogurt.
She is bouncing around and really happy. I minced meat and silverbeet
and she ate 2 bowl then spent 10 mins licking the bowl.
Urine ok
I am putting a lot of water in her food. She isn't drinking a lot.
12 October
Eating and drinking well. I mixed an egge with the ilk and she drank
it all.
She doesn't seem as good today. Pawing at her face and looks a little
down. I hope it isn't pain.How much pain is too much?
I called Massy to see if Metacam is better than Rimadyl.
They asked if I had tried chemo. I really wish I had now. maybe should
have done the surgery. I read on yahoo dogs can live longer than a year.
Lots of questions.
Am I doing the right thing.
I also heard prednisone is better.
Can a tumour shrink,
There are lots.
13 October.
Called Pat Kelly who is releviing from Neil. Rimadyl and Metacam are
much the same. I have to wait 2 weeks if I want to change to Prednisone after having these.
Can't leave her in pain.
15 October
Kassa now weighs 31.6 kilos. Under normal circumstances this would be
to heavy. I want to give her some weight so if she doesn't eat she can cope.
Drinking and eating well. Loves the pet milk
Lots of energy and pulling on walks. I have been getting slack with her
training. This is one thing she does love so will keep it up.
She was a little restless during the night and soon after going to bed
I have an apointment with Mike for Monday. This is a hard decision.
I feel I need to but can't. But...
I can't let her go on. She must be in pain. Making this appointment
was so hard. I went for a drive so Kassy wouldn't see me cry or know what I was planning.
Gum not bleeding as much today.
No matter what people say I will always wonder if i did the
right thing. Did I let her have too much pain. I will never know. I don't think about the ifs. I do know I tried to do
the best i could.
16Oct
Last night restless.
Very unsettled today at the ribbon trial. I have decided
to continue as normal as she perks up. Think it keeps her mind off any pain.
We won 4th today. She was entered into
another one, but she is obviously not well so took her home.
Very quiet at home.
16Oct
Last night restless.
Very unsettled today at the ribbon trial. I have decided to continue
as normal as she perks up. Think it keeps her mind off any pain.
We won 4th today. She was entered into another one,
but she is obviously not well so took her home.
Very quiet at home.
Later today She went for a walk with Tracy and seems happier.
Eating and drinking well. Fur shinny.
6pm she wanted to play a game. After
such a long day I thought she would be tired.
18October
Better today. Playing and eating well. She was sick, but I think
she ate too much.
She is back to her old self.
Saw Mike and he says she looks great and don’t do anything
until she stops eating.
She is on a low dose of Rinadly so I can give her more if she is
in pain.
Gave me 45 antibiotics pills. Wow. Don’t get too excited.
She is eating and drinking well.
20 October
Looking sad today.
Gum not bleeding much and eating and drinking well.
I took her to work and she was very naughty.
Going to try sweet wormwood and green tea.
Cory thought the lump looks smaller.
23 October
Weight 32.60 Gained 1 kilo in a week.
Been good last few days. Eating lots of raw meat, rice, chicken
and drinking warm pet milk.
Panting this afternoon and very tired.
Picked up Artemisinin this afternoon. This is very hard to get.
$65.00.
24October
All these things to give her to stop the cancer is so confusing.
I spend hours on the web looking for correct doses. Am I giving enough. Or too much.
I can give 1mg per lb. Kass is 60lb so trying 200mg of Artemisinin.
25th
Up most of the night licking her paws. I got up at 3am and washed her paws.
Not sure if it is Glucosamine, Echinae. Am I doing more harm than
good. This is so hard. What do I do. Tiredness isn’t helping.
I am going to stop Glucosamine.
Art is to be given with fat at 1am and 1pm. Don’t give antioxidants with it. No green
tea.
Cancer is most aggressive at night while asleep. How this relates
to dogs sleeping all day?
Plenty of exercise helps vitamins C into the body.
26th
She has a sore tail. Is it because someone yanked it, or something
called cold tail. This is all she needs.
Generally good, eating, drinking.
27th
Kassa is great today. Gum bleeding.
Viv Harris the holistic vet rang and said acupuncture is no good
for as this spreads the cancer. I was hoping for this. Nuts. She hasn’t heard of Art, but says she has anti cancer herbs
for dog cancer. Think I will stick with what I am giving her. She suggested Ellagic.
She also said Rimadyl had been known to give dogs more time. Yeah.
Please god let it work.
28th
Kassy good today. Happy and eating. Giving Echina and Glucosamine.
She hasn’t licker her paw the last few days. Is it boredom?
I have had Mia (Tracys dog) here and Kassa loves her. Mia hates Kassa.
29th 31.80
kilos
Still good today. Decided not to feed raw food. I think it sticks
to her gun and she licks it then it bleeds more.
Had visitors today and she is so excited.
Drank 2 litres.
Having glucosamine and vitamins and not licking.
31 October.
Toady Kassa hasn’t been good. Her gum is bleeding a lot.
I think on Monday I will call Mike.
I went to the local vets and Hamish asked to see her. He says can’t
be O.S. She would be dead. A miracle. I am dancing for joy. Wow. Not cancer.
1st November
Xrays done and lungs clear. Lymph nodes good.
Hamish took 2 teeth out. He said her gum was a mess.
He says not cancer, but did biopsy. Says it itsn’t good,
but she will live.
My prayers have been answered.
2 Novmber
Picked up Kass today. She was happy to see me, but very wobbly.
Poor baby. I have come down off the cloud. How could all the vets make such a huge mistake?
She is on heavy antibiotics. I am still giving her the herbal stuff.
Slept all night.
3/11
Eating and drinking. I don’t have to warm her milk or drink.
Obviously sore. Gum not bleeding. She is like her old self this week.
I am feeling sick, but positive. Waiting for news is horrible.
Friday.
It is Osteosarcoma. I am devastated again. I give up.
Naya has made an appointment for me to see Hamish 11.30 Sunday.
I said no. There doesn’t seem any point. She said there are lots of options and dogs have lived for 3 years. She is
beating the odds. What odds. Death. Pain. I am so sad. Now I am worried the surgery will spread the cancer faster.
Saturday
Friends here and they say she looks sad. Is she picking up from
me.
Licked her paws all night.
I gave her a bath with Nizerol this morning and going to cut out
Glucosamine. Something is making her uncomfortable.
Still giving. Rimadyl, flax oil, Glucosamine as well as,
Shark cartilage,
Echinae,
Artemisinin.
Tonight Laura from J.L. sent an email saying there is a new
drug in the U.S.A. and they want dogs to trial it. I emailed them (never heard back)
Now I am praying. Please let this drug work. Thank you Laura.
Forgot green tea this week. Not sure I will keep the appointment
with Hamish tomorrow. What can he do.
7/11 32.10 kilos
Saw Hamish. He says he wants to give her Chemo. Carboplatin and
radiation will give her 1 year at least.
He has been in contact with Neil Marshal and other vets and amazed
how she can be so healthy. He asked what was I feeding her. The want to eat what she is eating.
I am starting chemo next week.
He says the itching isn’t what I am giving her. It is seasonal.
Keep doing what I am doing. He also said the surgery wouldn’t have spread the cancer.
8/11
No bleeding from
her gum. Eating and drinking well. She is happy.
Have to take her off the Art when she has Chemo.
Give more liver with Art.
9/11
Wonder is she has fleas again. Ate usual meat, veges, drinking
well.
Diarrhoea today.
10/11
Playing and eating well. Great her gum isn’t bleeding. She
doesn’t seem to be in pain.
Still itching.
Not started chemo yet.
14/11
Need to make sure Art is given 2 hours before and after food. I
am now adding calcium to the list.
This is really hard knowing what to give her and when. I get up
early to give Art and stay up late. Like have a new baby to feed.
16/11
Still no Chemo. I am getting worried.
Kassa has been sneezing today and didn’t want to play. Allergy???
Or is it going to her lungs.
Bought Paw Paw today to give her. Am I obsessed with all of this.
Am I helping. The questions keep going round and round.
17th/11
Finally Chemo. Two and half hours. She is so good. Her and I sit
on the floor and she doesn’t paw at the needle. Most of the time she lay with her head on my knee.
Please god let this work.
When we got home she ate like a pig. Ate the neighbour’s
cat food.
Dinner she had 3 helpings of meat and veg. cut veg down.
Licked her bowl each time. Half an hour later I gave her a can
os Sardines. Licked bowl again.
Her nose is running and very wet. Maybe licking the stitches.
Chemo in three weeks time. Give ready Rescue next time.
18/11
Not eating. Tried fish, biscuits, raw meat. Keeps going to her
bowl, but doesn’t want to eat. Maybe she knows the pills are in her food.
Feed separately. No.
She isn’t eating anything cold.
Later today she ate a biscuit. (cookie)
Tonight at 7pm she ate like a horse. 500g mince, dried liver, vegies.
1 litre of water.
19/11
Not so good today. Not eating or drinking much. Tired and not her perky self. Tracy took her for a walk. Sloopy
poop and slept all afternoon.
Mixed 2 eggs with milk and water. Drank some of theat.
Later ate liver and bit of my pie.
20/11
Not eating or drinking this morning. Vet suggested not to give her Rimadyl.
21/11
Went to see Ernie to day and she ate a lot with him. Cooking liver
pancakes for her. Ernie loved them.
Ate more pancakes at home. Urine good. Drank a lot.
22/11 Not eating again. Can’t get pills into her. Wont eat peanut butter. Blood on her quilt today.
Wont eat Tuna.
Sniffed very lamp post and tree on our walk.
24th
Blood on duvet again. I am sad about this.
No lump today. Eyes not watering either.
Not eating.
Gets very tired if we have visitors.
25/11
Ate 2 packets of cat food and a can of puppy food. She got into my bag and ate 2 dog biscuits.
Giving her Rimadyl again. She seems better with it. Vet is so expensive.
Sniffing every post and tree again on our walk.
Jumps as if bee stings her nose.
Tonight she wanted more food.
26th No breakfast again. Dinner at 7pm 1 can cat food, 2 cans of dog food.
Still giving usual vitamins and Rimadyl.
27/11
Eating well today. Ate liver and rice pureed, dog food.
Read to give Art with chemo. Makes chemo work better.
Running around today and butt tucking tonight. Still hungry and playful when went to bed.
28/11
didn’t eat this morning. About 11.30 she wanted food. Ate dog liver, veges and rice. Drank lots of liver and rice liquid.
Ate a lot this afternoon., then again about 4pm.
Now grinding pils and vitamins.
Trying Vitamin E and Selenium.
29/11 Weight 32.40
Wow gaining weight.
She was up last night and gave her extra Rimadyl.
30/11
No bleeding today.Eating well. Likes meat and liver best. Not eating fish.
I went out and when I cam home she was running around.
December
3rd
Eating liver based things. She ate Eukonuba on the floor at the pet shop. Might start giving a little dry
food.
2nd
Chemo today. Last night her nose bleed. Vet said she could have bumped it. The vets are pleased and surprised
she has gained weight.
Flat after Chemo. Ate lots then slept all day. Drank meat juice. She can’t get comfortable tonight.
I think she feels sick.
What am I doing.? This is so hard to know what is the right thing to do.
5th
I worked later today. She was so happy to see me. Not very hungry today.
Eye weeping a bit and a little blood in it. Darn..
8th
Ate well today. Drank enough. Likes liquid from cooked chicken or meat.
Left eye not looking good. Lump is getting closer to the eye.
I wish I could do something more for her.
10th
Oh no!! There is a small tumour on the roof of her mouth. Vets say this is o.k. Eating and drinking lots.
Went to work with me again and all over everyone.
11th
Eating well.
This week has been good.
Visitors have been here and she loves it. Maybe she is picking up on my stress.
Perks up if we go out.
Vets say cancer is why her nose and eye weeping. Eye not draining. No nose bleed this week.
16th
Ate cat food and dog food. Drinking well.
Eye weepy.
17th
Not eating. Cooked food and ate that. Extra half Rimadyl.
Small amount of blood on her nose at 4pm. Tired last night.
18th
Gave small amount of Arneca for pain. Small nose bleed.
Droopy today. Wet day so she is inside and maybe bored.
Eye not so weepy and lump doesn’t seemed to have grown.
19/11
Eye still o.k. Not eating and small amount of blood.
Not so good today. Have had visitors and maybe I am making her sad.
20/12 Small amount blood on nose. She is sad and flat and I think the lump is bigger today.
23/12
She is being naughty today. Wants me to hand feed her. Jumping around and tried to eat the vets lunch. Nose
is working o.k.
Drinking water. Eye not weeping and snorting when she sniffs on our walk.
I went away for 2 weeks. This was booked before she became ill.
Chemo 29th January.
January 05
17th
The lump on her nose is bigger. While I was away the vet said don’t give her vitamins. She missed
me and isn’t good. I know things aren’t good.
Not eating much. I am sure she is in pain.
Will eat people food. She has nodules on her jaw.
Vets suggested another 3 chemos. I am not sure.
Nose not running as much.
Drinking and peeing well.
Perks up when we visit Ernie.
21st 31.4 kilos.
Vet say she is looking good. Lymph nodes good. She is happy, but not eating as much this week. Nodules on
gum could be sore. Nose isn’t sore. Vet suggested remove nodules. Debulking on Wednesday and xray to see how cancer
is.
Think she is in pain today. Goes from one bed to the other trying to get comfortable.
Not eating tonight.
Am finding all the decision hard. Some family say I should let her go. Vets say she is fine. She doesn’t
want to go and I don’t want her to. I tell myself we will beat this thing, but know in my heart it isn't good.
How much time to I have left.
I hate this. I really hate this.
23/1
Drinking lots. Eating chicken.
28th 30.75 kilos
Not eating much today. Vets have put her on Norocarp. I think she is in pain. Vet said Norocarp can put
them off their food and make them lethargic.
Ate food were visiting.
Running around at the park.
Seems happy and loves seeing people.
6.30pm she was very tired.
29th
Ate more today. She is sneezing so of course I am thinking it has gone to her lungs.
I keep wondering what it is like when it goes to her lungs or other organs.
30th
Couldn’t do the debulking surgery today as Carboplatin is still in her system.
Next week. It has been a long week waiting for this. No another week. I know I have to make a decision.
This is one of the hardest things I have hard to do. I don’t know what to do. The lump has grown.
31/1
Eating lots of food with Ernie. Drinking lots.
Called the vet for more pain killers. She is in pain this week.
Vet didn’t call back. So much for promising to be there when she needed him.
3 February
Kassa isn’t well this week. I am sure she is in pain. The lump has grown and she isn’t eating
much. She is booked in on the 9th to the debulking.
9th February.
My baby has gone.
The cancer wasn’t going away. I couldn’t let the
beast eat her beautiful face.
2 years later writing this I am sitting here in tears. I thought this last page wouldn’t be as hard.
Run free my beloved angel.
